What being an ally for sufferers of abuse is like...

So I've been through abuse myself. Sexual. I should get that out of the way.

It was a long time ago, I was very young, it was by someone else who was very young and also taken advantage of, and didn't know what they were doing, and all in all, it was actually a pretty harmless & ultimately an event that has defined a lot of positive things in my life.

I know me talking about it may seem eventful or taboo, but I'm happy with the place I've put it in my life. Ultimately the harm outweighs the good.

What wasn't harmless, especially at the time, was the aftermath, and the ways in which very good, well-meaning people did what they thought was best and, in turn, left scars on my little boy brain that I still struggle with.

But that's not what this post is about.

I'm saying all this because I also am a survivor's ally (I hope to be many more survivors' ally) and I'm here to tell you, having experienced the aftermath in both ways, surprise surprise, is extremely hard. And it's something you absolutely need to go through.

I don't need to tell you that survivors of abuse feel effects remarkably similar to PTSD that are entirely individual to their personalities, cultural contexts, etc.

They feel shame, they feel anger, they feel depression, they feel remorse for not doing something different to avoid the abuse or seek justice for themselves or fight back.

They feel alone, because they alone experienced this particular event, and no one else can ever know what that felt like.

And they have every right to feel all this.

What's harder to know is that the fact of being an ally for someone who has survived abuse means that all of that, all the awful things they say about themselves which you know aren't true, all the feelings that survivors go through and express to you, because they trust you and you want to help them, can be extremely difficult to soak in.

Because in order to be an actual ally, you have to validate what they feel in the moment.

You don't need to agree with them, you don't need to believe that what they feel is permanent, or is a referendum on you or people like you, but what you do have to do is validate that these intense and overwhelming feelings they currently feel are real, and of value.

And that is incredibly hard thing to do.

To believe that that pain, that recurring torment, will subside.
That those feelings will move on, like weather.
That if you can just hold on and hold tight with that survivor, the worst will pass. It's very hard, in the moment, to remember that.

You're not going to know what to do.
You're going to want to fix everything, right away.
You're going to feel confused about how to help this person, how to avoid hurting them, how to make up for hurting them when you accidentally do.
You're going to want to calm, to soothe, to say "everything's okay," "everything's going to be alright," you're going to want to be nice and kind and avoid telling your survivor friend any hard truth that would cause them to erupt into another episode of anger or fear or shame or sadness.

They're going to tell you they want to die.
They're going to tell you it's the end of the world.
And all you're going to be able to say is "no it's not," and "no you don't," and you're going to feel the thinness of that response, in the moment.

The upside to all this, to being an ally, an open and listening and responsive ally, is that you're going to be able to gain what very few people outside this survivor's intimate circle has, which is their trust.

And then, once the storms subside, you're going to be able to help them, simply by being someone they can trust.

Trust wins you a lot, as an ally. It means when you speak to them and they're not dealing with all the torrent of feelings that panic attacks can have, they'll listen to you.

And then you can do amazing things.
You can tell them to get professional help, and they can listen.
You can tell them how much they are truly loved, and they can listen.
You can tell them to call the police, or involve school officials, or whoever, or whatever, might help them get justice, and they can listen.
You can tell them that their idea to share their story, to turn the experience of other survivors into art is a good one, and should be followed through.
You can help them make it a reality.

And you can, too. Right here: https://www.fracturedatlas.org/site/fiscal/profile?id=10934#about_project