Particularly to men avoiding calling themselves "feminists."
And I don't want to conjure up or play into that stereotype that we can all imagine, at times, of the bros who all graduated together from their fraternities, slobber-mawed and grabby-hands, who respect women about as much as they respect the dusty beer pong ball they lose after a night of intense binge drinking, because I a) don't believe in the truth of stereotypes and b) know plenty of "bros," culturally, who are absolutely feminists.
But they don't call themselves that.
Take it from CBS. In 2009, they did a poll on the whether the Women's Movement (I guess another way to call the Feminist's Movement) has made your life better. Good news: 77% of women attribute the women's movement of their mothers' generations to contributing positively to their opportunities in life. The system works! Progress is inevitable! Yay female power!
Now for some bad news.
Only 47% of men say that the women's movement has improved their lives. 46% say it hasn't.
But the kicker here is, for both women and men, when asked if they consider the label "feminist" an insult, a compliment, or neutral:
Men
The term feminist is …
Compliment
10%Insult
24%Neutral
59%Women
The term feminist is …
Compliment
12%Insult
17%Neutral
64%This is clearly a problem when only 10-12% of those polled believe being a feminist is a compliment. For men, almost a QUARTER believe it's an insult.
Why?
Is it that people are uncomfortable about being defined by something that causes confrontation? Something that upends the status quo? Are men who don't like to call themselves feminists just not calling themselves that because in mixed (or all-male) company, they don't want to be misunderstood as aggressively anti-men or anti-capitalism or anti-bras, and don't want to rock the boat?
Now try this. When they were given the DEFINITION of feminism before being asked, the numbers shoot up dramatically:
A FEMINIST IS SOMEONE WHO BELIEVES IN SOCIAL, POLITICAL, AND ECONOMIC EQUALITY OF THE SEXES.
DO YOU THINK OF YOURSELF AS A FEMINIST OR NOT?
(Among women)
Yes
65%No
32%Men
Feminist (definition provided)
Yes
58%No
39%Men are still overall less likely to call themselves feminists than women, but a majority of them still, once they hear the definition, go "oh yeah, duh, of course, women and men should be treated equally."
So where does the insult come from?
Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, an incredible speaker and writer whose Ted Talk "We Should All Be Feminists" is highly worth viewing (linked here & also inserted above). She makes a good twenty amazing points about men and women and the label "feminist," but I want to draw up one point to get to something I want to add.
She says, very fairly, that in general men don't think about gender very much. They don't think about dressing too "manly" for an important job interview (unlike women, who have to think, do I want these people to take me seriously? I shouldn't dress too feminine, a much more reasonably imagined and actually lived out scenario).
Men don't think about the privileges they receive, unasked for, for being men.
An amazing director/theatre artist and blogger and continual source of inspiration for me, Adrienne Mackey, wrote Thank you for not assuming on her blog Swim Pony Musings, and helped frame it for me in the best way in her post.
She quotes another writer who describes a story of a man biking home from work one day, whizzing by all of his usual landmarks much quicker than he usually does. And he thinks to himself "huh all that hard work and training is finally starting to pay off! I'm really going fast today!" and then he flies by a flag pole, and sees that the flag is blowing the same direction he is. So he stops and realizes that a very strong wind that has been blowing at his back the entire time. Hence the advantage.
That gives a sense of what male privilege is. Unseen, unfelt (most of the time, or particularly when you're focused on striving for something), but it's there. And it creates an advantage.
The fact that I am a man means that I am more likely to get a job that a woman is just as qualified for as I am. The fact that I am a man means when I make a piece of art involving masculinity, I am not seen as a "masculine writer" or a writer only interested in masculinity. I am represented in democracy and in leadership positions around the world way way WAY more than my fellow women, even though globally they actually comprise 52% of the population. (These points are culled and repeated from Mackey's article and Adichie's talk, echoed in my own language.)
I don't feel the way the wind is at my back. Unlike these guys:
There are a lot of psychological reasons for men's lack of notice (a bias we have towards attributing all our successes to our own efforts and all our failures to factors outside of ourselves comes to mind), but it also is a hugely cultural reality that many men simply do not acknowledge, at least not openly.
Why?
To return to the notion of "feminist" as insult, I think the "insult" comes from an socialized, emotional place.
Men are taught that they have to be invulnerable, strong, in control. They cannot be to blame. They can't be weak, or guilty, they have to always be in command of their world. Quite literally, men are socialized to "man up," provide for themselves and their families, be independent, be strong. There's no room for failure.
So when someone asks a man if they're a feminist, knee-jerk reaction could be, "well, no, I heard something about feminist women hating men for being oppressors, you must mean I contribute to this imbalance of masculine dominance, I'm at fault for benefiting from sexism, I'm guilty of being an oppressor, I'm not wrong, I'm strong, no, no, no, I'm insulted! Grr! Arg! Let me show my power by being angry!"
Then, you add the definition.
"Oh. Equality of the sexes. Well, that's not so bad. I can agree with that, intellectually. I myself wouldn't want to be treated unfairly. I guess I am a feminist."
The definition deflects blame, puts the focuses on the present and the future, and not on the past.
Though I will say, being a feminist DEFINITELY means you have to acknowledge and own the past. Because this world IS imbalanced for a reason, and it's not because men biologically have more muscle mass than women.
We still chose, over centuries, to use our physical prowess to rule, to take power, and to oppress and deny power to women.
I'm doing a lot of research on women in antiquity, since the project I'm directing and co-producing with amazing feminist theatre artist, blogger, and my partner Colie McClellan over at Feminist Musings, involves Greek myth and modern feminism.
And it strikes me, going deep into a book like Goddesses, Whores, Wives, and Slaves by Sarah Pomeroy, that women were all oppressed, back in early Greek and Roman times, because men predominantly transferred their stuff, their money, their power, through blood lines, through heirs, because you didn't exactly have credit cards back then, and the number one cause of anxiety and strife amongst men and women was knowing whose child it was, who would inherit all their stuff.
The simplest answer to knowing who fathered a child was to shut the woman off from society, control her every move, and place their only responsibility and right on producing heirs.
Now there's a whole other capitalist issue I see here (why is the STUFF so freakin' important??!), but apart from that, men very often in antiquity only dealt with their wives when it came to procreation and solidifying family, and ultimately, political power.
Love and lust and sex and meaningful relationships? Not in marriage. More often than not in concubines, in fellow soldiers (homosexuality was pretty much not a big deal back then), or slaves. Wives, legitimate citizen wives, were for the baby-making and legacy-leaving. Men only married when they were in their late thirties (too old to fight in wars), but their wives were fourteen, thirteen. They didn't exactly have too much in common anyway.
Obviously in dark ancient Greek times, physical prowess was everything if you wanted to survive, and if you wanted to thrive, holding the most power, the strongest city-state, the largest population of male soldiers, involved producing more of a population. Eventually, as war made producing a population harder, the laws surrounding women's rights were mildly relaxed (thanks Peloponnesian War!) and men even were encouraged to have multiple wives (now citizens) to produce more citizen children, to keep fueling the war effort.
But all of this was artificial. Stuff, money, power, control, it's all illusory, as I'm sure it was felt in Greek life in ancient times as it is in Greek life in modern colleges across the country.
Which brings me back to Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie. Another great quote in her Ted talk, which I'm going to all-caps here:
"CULTURE DOES NOT MAKE PEOPLE, PEOPLE MAKE CULTURE"
I am a culture maker. I make plays. I write them, I direct them, I perform them, I produce them.
I want them to reflect the world as it is. And men and women are equal. And deserve equal rights. Equal representation.
And that actively involves correcting an imbalance. It involves placing women in more roles of authority, of creativity, and of visibility. It means hiring more women, creating more parts for women, collaborating more with women than with other men. All in the service, I might add, of telling better stories.
All the Way, the Bryan Cranston vehicle about LBJ and the Civil Rights Act that's getting TONS of attention because of Breaking Bad & Broadway? BORING.
Why?
Mostly men, mostly white, jockeying for power that no one else has access to. Three women in the 20-odd numbered cast, and they maybe said 12 lines between the three of them. And when they did, they were entirely sexualized or victimized. They were never powerful, even the First Lady.
BORING.
Being a feminist means living your life like a feminist.
I recently discovered that I actually love the role of caretaker, which is predominantly a "feminine" role in society. I like taking care of my partner. I like doing certain chores. I'm even getting better about laundry (I know, Mom! Who'd've thunk it!). But I ultimately see myself, when I have kids, as wanting to be a big part of their lives, as a primary care taker. I want to be a stay at home dad.
Which isn't to say I don't have career aspirations, or I'm not ambitious in my desires or dreams for my career as a culture maker.
And, actually, I don't think most people would think that of me anyway. In fact, they'd mostly applaud me for being so forward thinking, even though that really is the last thing I want.
Why the applause? Because I'm a guy. A woman wants to be a stay at home mother, and today it still is, "well what about your career?" Because apparently all careers need constant pressure and upkeep and capitalist engine fuel to be successful.
A woman wants to be the major breadwinner? Callous. Unloving mother. An ambitious, venomous Lady M.
BORING.
I do want to raise a son or a daughter someday. I do want them to watch movies and read books and have their minds blown by amazing plays and go to museums and travel to cities and indulge in the world, both as it is, and as it could be.
And I want them to feel, no matter what body they are given, masculine, feminine, transgender, bisexual, homosexual, asexual, heterosexual, I want them to feel like they have every right to exist as everyone else.
So I want them to be feminists.
Feminism is about a present, historic, cultural, sociological, and economical imbalance. It's not an insult. It's not about blame, but it is about action.
And, really, honestly, it's about realizing that life is not a zero sum game about STUFF, Men Vs Women, who has more, who has less, who wins, who loses, etc. It's about nurturing and empowering everyone to succeed at what they alone can do, given what they have. It's about lifting everyone up.
So, to my fellow men, please, ease off from the defensive position. You do not need to front on this issue. Be men. Love everyone, men and women included. It's okay, you can do it. Call yourself a feminist.
