Five Paragraphs At A Time

This isn't going to be anything. I mean, it's going to be pretty much whatever comes to my head first, because what I've noticed with myself is that I tend to stop most, if not all, of what I think from coming out into the world for fear of it being rejected.

This is what happens when you perpetually doubt yourself. You play crystal ball strategist, you think you know the cards that are coming before the flip. You rely on your intuition, solely, to decide whether you should take any particular risk, stick your neck out at any particular angle.

Malcolm Gladwell says in order to overcome writer's block you need to break the expectation of writing perfect prose, and simply write a few paragraphs a day. He said four, but I like to be ambitious and like odd numbers better. I will likely arbitrarily edit these sentences so they appear as five paragraphs. If I haven't done this when you're reading, I apologize for wasting your eyesight.

Fear, I think we've all heard and hardly internalized, is the only thing to be feared itself, but I have to admit it's Shame that really gets me crumbling. Shame is a kind of fear, I suppose, but it's not private, like anxiety can be. It's not secret. It's wrapped up entirely in others, in your perception of their perceptions.

Right now I'm a little ashamed to admit (though hardly too ashamed to post on a blog), but I'm pretty lost. I don't know what to do next, for my career, for my art, for my life. I have no specific reason to be ashamed, of course, I am with someone I truly love, I live in a great place, I work hard at a hard job that pays me well for my hard work. But I want to make something. I want to be an artist. And I am blocked, right now, and five paragraphs at a time, in spite of all fears, I'll attempt to change that.