You know when you know

It struck me, the moment in the heart of Manhattan where I was double-parking a gigantic Suburban and running into a Park Avenue building to collect luggage that had returned to the States from a touring experimental theatre production, that my iPhone had died and I was going to be without Google Maps for the whole drive back.

I'd been eying my battery life the whole way there, but for some reason I just refused to believe I would put myself in the position to have to drive through a labyrinthine, and heavily-trafficked, city without my magic map, my third eye, my godlike knowledge of what was to come.

I had quickly checked it upon parking the car to look at the route back, and about half-way through scrolling along the step-by-step list, my phone blacked out. And I was now entirely alone. I had a good three, three and a half hours with traffic, to go, and then another 45 mins of loading out and returning the rental car to go. All without the tool I daily rely on to get information to get me places.

At first, I was pretty freaked out. I beat myself up for forgetting my car charger at home, for not taking a detour to get it after picking up the rental, for not just sucking it up and buying a charger from a rest stop store along the way.

For some reason, though, after grabbing the luggage and making my way back through Manhattan, I kept having the hunch that I actually knew where to go. So I just kept following that hunch. All the way home.

The pre-smartphone me is scoffing right now, that this feels like a triumph, driving through Manhattan and home to Philadelphia without the use of a smartphone. It was sort of a self-reliance moment, trusting both that I knew the way and that if I got lost, I could find my way out of it. And even though there were a few close calls of missing turns or taking wrong exits, I managed to make my way sans smartphone. It felt even better than finally putting a piece of Ikea furniture together. And when I do that I feel like a god.

This past fall I went on a week-long road trip, driving from Philadelphia to New Haven, Providence, Boston, Ottawa, Kitchener-Waterloo, then back down to Philly. I used it as an opportunity to look at grad schools, visit family, and start seeking inspiration for this Hamlet project I've been harping on. I wanted this year to be about artistic growth and development, so I knew I wanted to take some significant time post-Fringe away from other responsibilities to just be with myself and do something. A roadtrip, an adventure, sounded right.

What I noticed about that roadtrip, which holds rich metaphoric weight in my mind, is that I actually tend to be pretty good at decision making on the go. I may get lost, I may have to make hard choices about where to go and what time to spend, but in general, I was pretty happy with the results of how I conducting myself. I got the most frustrated when I made little stupid mistakes, which were mostly the result of driving long stretches, pushing myself perhaps too far. I think I tried to take on too much on the trip. But I did get it all done.

And isn't it powerful, to feel decisive? To feel self-reliant, like you can tackle problems even when you don't have all the best tools at hand? You know when you know.

I guess maybe because a lot of my work (sales, education) sort of involves incredibly unknown quantities, like I never know if I'm going to make any sales, if I'm going to reach the kids I teach & have a successful class, there are always a ton of variables that don't quite have the same road map as well, a roadtrip might have.

But I've noticed I do better and feel more myself when I'm under pressure, when there's a challenge. Unknown quantities are apiled ahead, but I'm glad I'm moving. This year has transformed from the year of artistic growth to the year of huge life changes, and believe it or not, I think I'll find my way just fine.