Unbounded from the nutshell

"That you will become way less concerned with what other people think of you when you realize how seldom they do."

David Foster Wallace, Infinite Jest

So...

Hi, my name's Mark.
I'm a theatre artist, currently based in Philly.
I tend to direct, write, and/or produce, usually all three at the same time.
I also perform when it's right for me to do that.
To make money I teach theatre for a few theatre companies, I telemarket for a museum, and I contribute to Frame, an experimental theatre company's experimental website. It's a little wrapped in mystery, especially in the identity department, so I'll let you explore and see if you can find me in there.

Why am I here?

I'm here because I need a creative workout.
I need repetition.
I need hard work.
I need a challenge.
I recently applied to one top grad school, in hopes that it might provide that push for me.
As of right now, it's not looking likely I'll even get an interview.
I did that unfortunate thing of Googling a bit too much, and found a website that tracks submissions of grad school acceptances/offers, etc. I was waiting for a call for the interview, but then I saw that two people have already been scheduled last week. So the chances of me getting called this week for the same program are pretty slim.
If I do magically get a call, I'll write about that. But for now, my sense is that now's not the right time, and perhaps it wasn't the right place.
Who knows?

This whole past month, ever since I submitted my grad school application, really, I've been holing myself up, intellectually, artistically, even physically, burrowing deep into a state of passive, all-consuming malaise. Waiting. Unable to know even generally what my future would be like, I  transformed into a motivationless pile of munching-snacks-in-bed-blubber and self-doubt.

WELL NO MORE OF THAT, GOOD SIR.

I've decided I need to push myself out of my nutshell.

So here's the deal

I'm going to write on this every day.
Probably usually in the mornings, but, you know, we'll see.
I have to write once a day.
I have to write at least the length of a sonnet each day (which is 14 lines).
Seems doable (famous last words).
If I don't write one one day, I'll have to write two the next day. (Etc. etc.)
"Days" are defined by sleeps for me. So even though it's technically Thursday the 31st now, I started this post on the 30th. I'll write a post tomorrow. By gum.

I was inspired by Adrienne Mackey & her awesome blog for her theatre company, Swim Pony. I find the manner in which she discusses her art and her process and the many issues that surround the doing of her work pretty inspiring, and while I am in a different, younger place in my career and art, I certainly think I can gain something from pushing myself to express my own journeys with my art, process, and the issues that surround my doing.

What will I write about?

I'll be focusing mostly on the things that are driving my artistic motors these days.
One particular project that's slowly forming and reforming in my brain involves Shakespeare, Hamlet specifically. The author David Foster Wallace. Clowning. Masculinity. Issues of gender, identity, sexuality, body, expression. Failure. Aggression. How to be understood.
I could also write about my life, about things I do, or more generally about just about anything topical.
I'm going to be writing keeping in mind that this is something to be read. It's for an audience (hi!).
Could be poetry, fiction, essay, scenes, rants, letters, a buncha pictures, links, anything.
But I'll do it.
I'll do it for me.

Which brings me to the big-ass quote at the top.

I think I stop myself from writing a lot because I worry what other people will think about me.
Not really about what I write, but about me, the writer.
I have a great fear of being misunderstood.
And as a function of that, I have a great fear of disappointing people.
Feeling non-anointed by my rejection from grad school, I clearly have a choice to either accept this "failure" as a reflection of my INTENSE immaturity and irrelevance as a young artist (which may still be true), OR I can use it as an emphatic nudge down a different path, fear be damned.

I really admire people who say what they say because they want to say it, because they believe in it, because it's true.
I really admire people who believe in themselves.

I am rapidly becoming one of those people, and it's time to start acting like it, especially as an artist.

SO, as a self-proclaimed aversive thinker, who fearlessly chooses the road less traveled about as often as he can, I will choose to find my own path, for my art, my career, and myself. This blog is about finding that path.

That's my mission statement.

Hamlet has a great line where he says "Oh God, I could be bounded in a nutshell and count myself a king of infinite space were it not that I have bad dreams."
I am unbounded, now, from my nutshell, and I will count myself whatever the hell I want to count myself.
Today it's blogger.
Tomorrow, who knows.

Thanks for reading.